Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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