I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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