sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
