maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I think my vagina is haunted
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Can you bring me the toilet please
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
