whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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