Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
