hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
