the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize