I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
