I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
