sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
