checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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