so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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