so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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