yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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