Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
