I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
