I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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