my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We smell like vodka and hangover
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