I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
