dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
