my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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