I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
