The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize