we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
