Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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