My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
