Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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