Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize