my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
