You just made me feel so damn special
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
