You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
