I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
