the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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