I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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