you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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