Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
