Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
