today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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