I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
