i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
