It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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