He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
