I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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