I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
