Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
