I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm eating all of the evidence.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
