Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
