We won't sleep together?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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