He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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