I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
