I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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