Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
