So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
