Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize