After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
