i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
