It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
