Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
